Starters for @ratmanreed sloppy style

[inthesaferoom]

 Insert filthy meme here, I'm not creative atm

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Life moving forward

[inthesaferoom]

[ This isn't a place Mike wants to be. He's avoided the idea of mental health treatment for years, to the point he would cut people off for a little while if they suggested it - no matter who they were or what they meant to him. But it's reached the point he always knew would come - this shit wasn't sustainable.

It becomes clear when he fucks with the elements and nearly takes himself out. And yeah, he's not looking forward to what's going to return if he's sober. But maybe ignoring what he was probably born for wasn't sustainable, either. It was definitely a kick in the nuts whenever he thought about the restless spirits he was letting down. Or how he doesn't know if his mom is stuck on this side if he can't even see shit to make sure of her crossing. What if she was standing beside him all this time, seeing him fuck himself up and not even once choosing to give her the time of day?

Terrible. It was just another piece of the puzzle that contributed to his terrible self worth. And here's the thing, what he ended up doing made the one person who could tolerate him (other than his other self, and that's pathetic) see him so fucked up. Mike's going to have to do a lot to make up for that.

So he starts with actually being honest about this. But the way he handles withdrawal is awful, especially accompanied by all those spirits returning. There's a lot of unheard ones in a hospital, a place like this. It's awful. He deserved it. But in return, they lock everything down - he's not allowed visitors even once during the entire fucking stay.

Going off all this shit helps. Accepting treatment helps. And maybe he has to pop a few pills every day for the rest of his life with no payoff of being high, but he actually understands a little better how to function.

Taking out his phone, once he's home, isn't exactly a great experience. Mike just quietly archives all the texts from before, especially the last time he was high. Puts them in a little box, where they'll stay until he needs to see what it looked like when he hit rock bottom.

He's going to be a little different now. But maybe he'll actually be free of everything that went down, simply because he'd been preserving a room that was never safe.

He taps his fingers against the table, paces a bit and decides he's going to risk calling one of the few people he cares about. He just hopes Gavin hasn't decided to hate him or move on. ]

[ratmanreed]

[ Gavin texted Mike a lot while he was away. Called him, even: leaving pathetic little voicemails. In typical Gavin fashion, he spun from anger to weepy bullshit then right back to rage.

You’re a fucking idiot.

Why?

I don’t understand you.

I miss you.

I love you. Is that what you want to hear? Does that even mean anything to you? I thought it did.

And again, in typical Gavin fashion: with the roar of silence, he thinks that, just maybe, Mike won’t want him anymore once he’s out. Why would he, once he’s had time to think about everything? About how Gavin is a mistake? In a way, it was better to keep Mike close: then he couldn’t think about this bullshit, couldn’t second-guess them — whatever the hell they are.

But now Mike’s had a lot of time to think too, hasn’t he? Had a lot of time to regret.

Gavin spent time at the place Mike bought: a lot of time, really. There’s probably cat hair wafting around from Ugly, Bastard, Banana, and Gumdrop. A cat food bowl left behind. Tousled sheets from when Gavin slept in the bed and wanted Mike there so bad he’d toss and turn all night. A mirror in the bathroom that Gavin had replaced: his knuckles still red from the violence.

Little signs like that said “I was here.”

Nightmares, every time he slept there. But Gavin stayed, he lingered, because even though it didn’t feel like home — not without Mike — it still felt as close to him as he was probably going to get.

Now, Gavin’s staying with Hank. Which feels horrible in so many ways but he’s got the old man trained not to linger like a ghoul, and Sumo doesn’t mind the cats.

It’s been better not to be alone. Not all the time, anyway. ]

[inthesaferoom]

[ The pacing around the apartment introduces him to all this. It hits him in ways it wouldn't have before, simply because he was filtering that shit with drugs and booze. There's an aura around the mirror, something he immediately feels his mood sour because of. It's not just Gavin's knuckles that are red because of it but the air itself, scratchy like the marks on an old, abused record.

No matter where he goes, he can feel him in a way that was always trying to come out before, but Mike refused to actually perceive the weight of it. It's just this heaviness to the air that fucking feels like the guy he can't live without.

He ignores the leftovers of the cats. Doesn't matter, he doesn't care. What he cares about is dialling this number before he can sink into an exhausted weariness. Before he can sleep before he does what he needs to do. The necessity of the task sticks out by how many missed calls there are. Mike doesn't listen to anything yet.

He just. Fucking dials. ]

cn: alcoholism

[ratmanreed]

[ Gavin’s either at work or sleeping nowadays — or in that interim when he’s drinking to sleep. Hank asked about it at first but Gavin told him to mind his fucking business, which he thankfully has. They've both always had drinking problems; Gavin just doesn’t drag his to work.

He’s lying on Hank’s couch: a few beers in but before sleep. Not drunk but wishing he were. When his phone buzzes, he groans. Getting called into work, most likely; less likely is another one of Grady’s bullshit sob stories.

Unlike Hank, Gavin isn’t blackout drunk. Awake enough to grab his phone and at least check, and...

He feels horror and relief, all at once. His first thought is to pick up, of course: accept the damn call, Reed. It’s been a month since he’s seen Mike, heard him, touched him. He might as well be a fucking ghost.

It would be better for Mike if he didn’t pick up. So much better. But Gavin knows Mike, knows he’ll come snooping around the precinct eventually after he finds his apartment empty.

But he could put it off till tomorrow. Deal with Mike if he comes by work tomorrow: let security know to have those androids at the front desk tell him to fuck off.

Gavin almost doesn’t pick up. He really, really almost lets his phone just ring away.

But finally, right before the call goes to voicemail, he accepts. He puts the phone to his ear and he says nothing. ]

[inthesaferoom]

[ Might as well be a ghost? Funny but no, he just knows what they look and fucking smell like again. Something he never wanted to visit again, but if getting rid of all substances means he can be a proper person again? Mike's learned not just to think it's what Gavin deserves, but it's what he himself deserves, too.

It's weird to have a semblance of self worth. Not much but enough he doesn't hang up at the silence. He's got to try, goddammit. ]

They didn't let me have my phone. Or fucking talk to anyone. I wanted to see you every moment of every fucking day. I'm here now.

I want to strangle Gavin

[ratmanreed]

[ Gavin almost caves at the sound of Mike’s voice, nonetheless his goddamn words.

But he still says nothing. Banana is laying on his stomach, purring up a storm. He pats her head idly: keeping him grounded — for now.

What the hell is there to say other than everything? He figured as much with the phone — went to try and visit, even — but it still hurts. Because if Mike hadn’t gone and almost died, they wouldn’t have been apart and Gavin wouldn’t have been...

Lonely. So fucking lonely that it hurts. It’s been a month and loneliness has become him.

How can I be sure? he wants to ask. How can I be sure you still want me? ]

Mike wants to strangle himself

[inthesaferoom]

Here's the thing.

[ Because Mike gets it. He knows why he's silent. It's probably shit like thinking he's better off without Gavin? Hopefully not the reverse - he can't fix that. But he's also absolutely fucking sure it's thinking Mike could have moved on or something, decided or realized the 'better off' thing for himself.

Absolutely fucking impossible, because it wasn't true, not even one bit. ]

I started the whole thing wanting to get better for you, to live because you need me. Because I promised, right?

But now I want it for me, too. I actually feel like something could be worth living for.

And that hasn't changed anything, it's made it even stronger. I want to know what it's like to have optimism but enjoy it while being by your side. It could be great.

Mikegav mutual self strangling 🤝

[ratmanreed]

[ Mike had promised, hadn’t he? Even tried to get Gavin in on it, but he’d just spewed his usual noncommittal bullshit. ]

Don’t you...

[ He hears the shower rumble to life: Hank, not so blackout drunk after all. But he’ll leave Gavin alone once he hears him talking. Hopefully. ]

Don’t you get tired of all this?

[ “Of me,” he means. Because Gavin’s tired. Tired of the fear that plagues him at every goddamn turn: the fear of loving Mike, losing him, keeping him. ]

Sometimes I think...

[ Pausing to clear his throat. Banana yawns. ]

Sometimes I think you aren’t even seeing me. ‘Cause if you were, you wouldn’t...

[ He doesn’t explain this is why he’s always pathetically begging Mike to say his name: so they can both feel in the moment, as if there’s no one else. Which isn’t reality. Has never been reality.

But Gavin doesn’t mention that because the last thing he wants to hear is his goddamn name. ]

Hot, go on

[inthesaferoom]

Look -

[ How is Mike supposed to explain this? His attitude has shifted, the feelings and behavior he has towards a lot of things. It's weird how priorities change when you don't spend every moment hating yourself and everything you stand for. But he doesn't know where the fuck he's supposed to go if this conversation leaves him alone. He doesn't know if he can hang onto actually liking himself if he fucked up that badly.

And that's a problem, he knows and understands that. Doesn't change shit, though. ]

Sure, I'm tired. But it's not of being around you. It's watching both of us beat ourselves up again and again.

I don't care what you think I should be changing my opinion to, it's never going to fucking happen.

I know what I see. Aren't we each supposed to trust the other knows what they want?

[ Yeah, he's just going to bring that back. Not exactly weaponizing it, just reminding, thanks. ]

[ratmanreed]

If you think I’m ever gonna change...

[ That’s just the thing, and Gavin doesn’t want to admit to this, but: how can he be sure this is what Mike wants? Him? When Gavin was in his twenties, he sure as hell was making stupid relationship choices. He’s supposed to be all mature and trust that Mike isn’t being an idiot here, but...

He’s had a month to think about things. Everything. ]

Talk to me. About something else.

[ Yes, he needs the goddamn affirmations — craves them — but Gavin wants to hear about something, anything else. Something not about him, wholly unrelated, so he can just pretend he’s not as fucked up as he is. Not as goddamn clingy. ]

[inthesaferoom]

I can do that, but first, I need to be clear.

I don't want or need you to change. And I don't need a fucking commitment you can't give.

All I want is you, whatever you'll give, for as long as you'll give it. Nothing else matters or applies.

[ He considers what to change the subject to. He said everything he needs to say. There's nothing else. ]

Did you seriously leave a bunch of cat crap around here? You better be coming back to make more of it.

[ That's not what he would have said before. But probably isn't different enough? Fuck. ]

[ratmanreed]

Get your own cats. Make your own goddamn mess.

[ Gavin tries to sound irritated, which usually isn’t hard because that’s his default, but then — he laughs. Real guffaws here, pent up after a month of loneliness. Enough to get Banana to hop off him: slumber ruined.

Part of him wants to ask about the commitment. Would Mike let him leave if Gavin ever really wanted to? What might it take for Mike to let him go?

In the meantime, maybe Mike will just keep on sussing out Gavin’s bullshit. ]

Missed you. Obviously. Doesn’t really need saying, does it?

[ He keeps playing Mike’s words in his head:

all I want is you

all I want is you ]

Banana like thanks I hate it

[inthesaferoom]

Doesn't need it, but it's nice to hear.

[ It's not like he doubted it, but that doesn't change it being nice. But the other nice thing was that laugh, real and raw. He stops from his pacing, not actually eternal, apparently.

Mike sinks into the damn couch and relaxes into it, almost boneless. ]

Missed you, too. Still do.

[ But he'll keep his word, he's not into false promises anymore. He can let him know but he won't press. ]

All the cats probably prefer when Gavin is a mere food dispenser and bed (except Ugly)

[ratmanreed]

Yeah. Real nice to hear.

[ Mike’s words make him feel more tipsy than the beer has. More potent.

Now that Banana has abandoned him, Gavin rolls onto his side. Phone held to his ear as he imagines…? Getting to see Mike again. Getting to touch him. Lying in bed with him. Reaching out and cupping his stupid face. Watching him sleep, maybe. Would he be at peace — after everything?

Gavin would be. ]

Gonna have to miss me a while longer.

Wait what does Ugly prefer UGLY EXPLAIN YOURSELF

[inthesaferoom]

Yeah? Where are you?

[ He doesn't like that, and it's obvious. But what's also obvious is Mike is trying, and a part of that effort is not pushing what he wants here. He'll let Gavin come over in his own time.

Doesn't stop him from asking questions, though. ]

Are you safe? Eating, sleeping?

[ Pause , because he has to ask, he's been frantic in his anxiety over this particular possibility. ]

Not with the guy who nearly killed you?

[ He's thinking about Grady. His voice has a worried and rough edge. ]

after

[inthesaferoom]

[ Did Gavin expect Mike to really die or leave? That whole 'this kiss is clearly goodbye' bullshit. They're both alive and yeah, he's going to have to get the place really fixed up, but he's not caring about that.

If he had to make him he found a way to get him back in the apartment. He bought this place outright, he's not letting fucking Emily ruin it. Doesn't she know to heed the safe room? He'll just let Gavin do whatever he needs to be comfortable.

He's just going to get a wet towel to clean the sweat and blood off. Just standing around the entrance to the bathroom, shirtless with pants hanging low as he scrubs. ]

[ratmanreed]

[ Gavin is, perhaps pointedly, not looking at Mike — or trying not to. Sneaking little glances every so often. Arms crossed petulantly. ]

We just gonna pretend you weren’t bashing your head into the wall, just gonna pretend you didn’t have a big ass knife in hand?

[ He’s definitely not comfortable. Not in this weird murder apartment.

Mike half-naked helps, though. Helps a lot. ]

[inthesaferoom]

We're not.

[ Mike makes a show of glancing at him, eyebrow quirked; as if he hasn't been keeping aware of him the entire time. He's not entirely clean, but he shrugs and slings the towel around his shoulders.

Approaching the plush, luxurious couch that Gavin is sitting on, he momentarily regrets putting actual investment into the furniture. He's going to sit on him and doing it while on a broken piece of crap would be great vibes. But that's okay, he doesn't need vibes to get into him.

His elevated powers are fading against the fact they've knocked Emily out of here. It wasn't anything permanent but she couldn't come back here. So without any worries, he plops right down in his lap. ]

Nope. Ask shit and answer. I'll encourage you with a reward for every inquiry.

[ratmanreed]

[ Gavin looks up at Mike. Opens his mouth. Closes it. Moving his arms to the back of the couch for some manner of space.

So he won’t be tempted to touch Mike, really. ]

Don’t need rewards. You just — really scared me there, dipshit.

[ There’s a glimmer of a pained expression on his face, then it’s gone. ]

We need to salt the place, or what?

[inthesaferoom]

[ Mike's not accepting that, thanks. He puts his hands right on him. They settle on Gavin's torso, lower on down, and hesitate there. Should he go up or down? An impossible kind of Rosemary's baby. ]

I scared me too. But that shit was - what do you know about how ghosts work?

[ If he wants this to work, he has to be honest, he has to be real. He wrinkles his nose and glances away. Uncomfortable, he'd only do it for a stupid rat, and a substitute from the pet store won't do. Original Reed flavor. ]

None of that needed.

is this where the breeding kink starts in the lore

[ratmanreed]

[ Gavin makes an annoyed huffing sound: very good at not using his words, this man. ]

Just know shit from movies. Which is obviously all over the place, so — nothing. Except they’re obsessed with you, for some reason.

[ As if Gavin’s any different. ]

And they want to kill me, or something.

[ Mike looking away gives Gavin the chance to stare at him without feeling weird. All those little scars that Gavin wants to touch, always wants to touch, and —

Okay, nevermind. Definitely feeling weird here. But he keeps his arms on the back of the couch; grunting obnoxiously as Mike touches him.

He’d be annoyed if Mike weren’t touching him, too. Truly there is no winning here. ]

MAYBE

[inthesaferoom]

The vibes get you.

I never would have fucking hit you. That ghost was pissed. So she fucked me up.

[ Mike considers how to handle this, so he can actually talk and be less stressed about it. He doesn't want to push touch when Gavin is clearly actively avoiding it and he really doesn't get why.

Maybe he's just that pissed? A moment ago it felt like something he couldn't accept, but now it feels like something he better respect.

He exhales, short and abrupt, then shifts into the actual couch. Right next to him, rather than stealing prime lap real estate. ]

[ratmanreed]

[ Once Mike is out of his lap, Gavin leans forward. Rubbing at his forehead.

He loves sitting in Mike’s lap, loves when Mike sits in his lap, but — it’s been a long day. A long month. And Gavin can’t help but feel he’s done everything wrong, keeps doing everything wrong, so he doesn’t deserve that comfort. Doesn’t deserve Mike. ]

You know I’m not mad about that, right? I asked you to hit me. I don’t blame you for that, even if a ghostie did push you to do it. So if I ever… try to say I hold it against you, that’s bullshit.

[ Dropping a hand so he can look over at Mike. ]

Okay?

[inthesaferoom]

That doesn't matter though?

[ He winces immediately at his own words. He doesn't like how that sounded, fuck. ]

That's not what I mean. I just -

I've spent so fucking long trying to keep from being the one that hurts anyone I care about. Started drinking alcohol because of it. Doing drugs. Maybe that became an excuse, I don't know, but -

[ He is the one feeling like he's not deserving what they have. He doesn't know how to make that go away. ]

It's like the second I stop that, shit starts. So maybe I wasn't strong enough to protect you.

I should have done better.

[ratmanreed]

Don’t you tell me what doesn’t fucking matter.

[ Snapping a little. He does, at least, try to rein himself in. Speaking more softly when he says: ]

Told you — I asked for it. I wanted it. Did you hurt me? Sure. But it’s different when we want it, right? Just like when we get off on choking and shit: that’s a hurt we like. Doesn’t mean you love me any less, yeah?

And you didn’t…

[ Gavin sighs. Reaching over to squeeze Mike’s thigh; fingers brushing along his leg. ]

Didn’t hurt me emotionally when you hit me, you know? Or mentally. Whatever. And that’s what counts. To me, anyway.

Don’t need to go and protect me.

[ He scowls at the thought of needing protection. But it’s sweet of Mike. Really fucking sweet. ]

I should have done better, dipshit. But now I know it’s a limit you have, so. Now I know. Won’t push it.