inthesaferoom | you lost your self esteem along the way -

you lost your self esteem along the way -

[ It's about twelve hours after they made it until dawn. They, as in he and Chris, and nobody else - probably not even Josh. There was no real way to know. Right now they're both under observation at the hospital, randomly being grilled by doctors or cops, and Mike isn't dealing well at all.

He hasn't slept yet. When he closes his eyes, he sees Emily at the other site of the sight of the gun. He's been accused of making the choice to kill her out of spite multiple times and at this point, even he isn't clear about it. He just knows it felt like the thing to do. Just as what he's doing right now feels like the thing, too.

Because he could talk to Chris about all of it, they could bond and assert feeling better. But sneaking into his room and watching him sleep feels like an awful lot better of an idea.

At least the guy can actually sleep. Mike's sitting in the chair next to his bed, and without even thinking about it, he reaches out and touches his face. Where did he get all those bruises? The night's a damn blur.

He'll just be in denial that he wants to touch more than his face. That's not right, thanks. ]

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[Chris is trying to sleep, trying to let that grey numbness just wash over him and carry him away. He knows it's not healthy, but all he wants to do right now is not exist. How did everything go so wrong?

He makes himself keep his eyes shut, makes himself lie still. If you pretend to sleep long enough then it'll happen, right? Never mind the images flashing through his mind. Ashley's terror. Josh being whatever the hell Josh became. And the smells. He'll never get clean.

...there's a gentle touch to his face, not hard enough to make any of the dull aches flare into proper pain again. He inhales jaggedly, panic spiking, but he's in a hospital, he's safe, he's okay, everything's fine.

He lets his eyes open, and sees... Mike. Ah.]

[murmuring] Can't sleep either, huh?

[ He pauses in the middle of withdrawing his hand, looking like the kid caught robbing the cookie jar. The thought makes him think of Josh, he definitely used to do that at the guy's house when they were younger. The two did not go as far back as Josh did with Chris, but that was just commentary on the good food the Washingtons had - Mike was old enough to know better but he did it anyway.

He's just not going to think of the other things in that house he helped himself to on multiple occasions. ]

I don't think I'm ever sleeping again. Gotta find something to exhaust myself into it.

[ He shrugs it off. ]

Think we're ever going to recover from all of it?

[ There's no point in beating around the bush. ]

[Chris almost asks him to put his hand back. Being touched by someone he can trust, someone who isn't even hurting him by trying to clean scrapes or whatever, is pretty goddamn amazing right now. But it's too weird, so he doesn't.]

Don't know if they'll let us go for a five mile run.

[The weakest of jokes, but he manages half a smile as he sits up in the bed.]

I... I don't know. Hard to think beyond the next couple hours right now. What do you think?

We'd have to get past all the guards to run that much. You notice all of them?

I think they're still considering whether or not to arrest us for something.

[ But he doesn't want to think about all that, or the fact he definitely belongs in jail. And the fact if he's going there, he regrets not taking that Washington fucker out if he has to get screwed over anyway.

He shrugs and an odd, sardonic smirk tugs at the edge of his lips. ]

Not getting over anything, probably. Josh would tell us to literally fuck around and find out to get past it.

[ But that guy was nothing if not a deliberate display of toxic masculine in motion. ]

Are they all guards?

Shit.

I guess it makes sense.

[Snorting, he reaches out to lightly punch Mike in the shoulder] You think fucking around would help?

Sure are. I don't think they know what to make of us sole survivors, or why we actually made it the fuck out.

[ He looks amused at the punch, despite himself and all their circumstances. ]

You're not telling me it won't when you're playing it just the way I like.

[ He is not being any shade of serious but that's okay. Right? ]

Shit, you're right, though. All this fucking guilt - [he wants to say it jokingly, but can't] - and we have to worry about being blamed on top of it.

[...it's helpful to take Mike's offer to try harder to joke] Uh huh, you like being shoved around, do you? I'm finding out all kinds of things today. Gonna totally use that against you.

I doubt that's a promise you're going to keep.

[ It was a joke until it wasn't, but it's hard to keep from being serious in this particular mental state. Fuck. ]

We're both too screwed up by being blamed to concentrate on anything else, especially feeling good for a little while.

[ But hey, in whatever bizarre alternate reality something might actually happen, he's in the mood for trying.

He's just confident that's not the reality he's living in. ]

D-do you want me to?

[It's part teasing, and part disbelief, and part - part hope, he guesses. It's probably a really, really bad idea, but it'd be a distraction. They could both use a distraction, and endorphins or whatever the fuck you get from sex.]

I don't know what I want.

[ It's weird to admit. He doesn't know how he feels about it. He's always felt secure in enforcing his desires and wishes, but nothing's the normal status quo anymore. ]

All I know is I need to stop thinking about how I fucking shot my ex's brains out because I was scared. About how my girlfriend died miserably and isn't ever coming back.

About how I had no idea some guy I thought was the resident party monkey was going to fuck all of us over.

And how good it felt to point a gun to his head.

Maybe if I touch someone instead, I can stop thinking at all.

I know what that's like.

[Mike looks like shit. Probably about the same as Chris himself looks. Exhausted, weirded out, bruised and scraped all over. Thousand mile stare, because he's seen some shit.]

[Chris takes a shuddery breath in through his nose, out through his mouth, and gets up off the bed.]

Wouldn't've blamed you if you'd done it. Never would've thought a guy like Josh could do all that to anyone. Shows all I fucking know, doesn't it.

[He touches Mike's hand.]

Hey, you're the one he fooled the most. Maybe that makes you the one who got more screwed than everyone else, because you trusted him. The rest of us just kinda tolerated his presence.

[ That's not accurate. He really cared about the guy. But denial feels better right now.

He looks down at the hand on his, opens his mouth to say something, and comes up so blank he just stays like that.

The picture of a stunned fish. ]

But you - [Nah. Don't push that, he thinks. Not sure why, but Mike wants to believe that he didn't have any affection for Josh. Chris continues awkwardly:] Maybe it makes me dumber than everyone else.

...tell me to stop if you want me to.

[He lifts Mike's hand to his, and places a kiss on the palm.]

You're not -

[ Well, he was about to protest the dumb comment, then he gets disrespectful. He looks at him for a long moment, in which he's nothing but silent, before laughing. It's not a mean laugh, just -

He can't parse this development easily, even if he's the one that started the jokes in the first place. ]

I don't know, if this is you being dumb, I kinda like it.

But I don't think there's anything to stop. That was tame as hell, Hartley.

You can take that as a challenge, by the way.

Edited 2025-05-28 11:04 (UTC)

Oh, I'll take it. I'll take it all the way.

[...whatever that actually means.

Chris has gone bright red, because he's not super confident and Mike is being... kind. So he throws caution away and just sucks the tips of Mike's first two fingers, then engulfs them all the way down.]

[ Yeah, kind isn't really Mike's natural state - but it's hard not to try to be like that, when they're here and sharing a whole fuckton of trauma. His eyes cross a little at the sudden move and exactly how nice it feels. Especially because it's the only good hand he's got left. ]

Hey now, if you're going to use your mouth like a pro, start off small. Buy a guy dinner first, or at least give him a kiss to get up to speed.

[ They're in this now, there is no going back. Mike fucked around with his jokes and now he's going to find out, and this doesn't actually strike him as a bad thing.

He goes to pull his hand away and push his weight onto Chris, trying to make it non-optional that he ends up on the bed again, right beneath him. ]

[No one gets this shit like Mike does, and Chris hasn't even stopped to put that together in his head. He just knows that Mike is about the safest person in his life right now.

...a kiss? Not too intimate? Hey, that's awesome.]

The kiss is probably- whoa!

[He sprawls on the bed again, laughing under his breath. Mike's weight feels good on him.]

[ Do they have any people left in their lives other than each other? Kind of a low bar. Well, there's parents or whatever, but as if they ever actually get it.

He can't help but grin, even briefly, at the laugh. It's a nice sound to draw out after everything, no matter how small and low it is. ]

Probably what? A demonstration of my best talent? Plenty of girls'll tell you.

[ He doesn't have an awareness to think about how he shouldn't mention that right now. ]

Never exactly kissed a guy even if I've jacked off with one, you'll have to tell me if I screw up.

[ Without any further comments, he presses down and into him, finding Chris' mouth easily with his own. ]

[No one else will ever really understand, even if they want to be sympathetic. Even if they don't suspect anything.]

How many-

[Chris kisses back, feeling something hot curl inside his stomach. They're pressed against each other like they've done this a thousand times before.]

How many what? Girls I've kissed, guys I've given a nice handy or two?

[ He decides if they're in storytime, that means Chris should have a free mouth for questions. So he breaks the kiss and adjusts his position more properly, just shamelessly straddling around his hips and over his crotch. ]

Can't be the jealous type after literally two seconds. We should probably up the ante to justify it.

Edited 2025-05-30 03:54 (UTC)

[Chris meant the first, but his eyebrows go up on hearing the second. He'd figured Mike for an all girls all the time kinda guy. Interesting, and not a terrible distraction... along with what his weight is doing to Chris' crotch under him.

He arches up a couple inches, just getting the feel.]

Didn't know you'd been with any guys, dude, so both.

I'm not jealous! Just... curious. About a lot of stuff.

Of course you're curious. You're treading into new territory. I bet you've never even kissed anyone before that, right?

[ He should probably take a beat, consider how to do this respectfully. He thinks about it for a moment then shrugs - he's Mike Munroe and Chris is obviously aware of that. ]

Tell me your biggest question right now, maybe I'll help you out. But I'm also going to make it a bit difficult -

[ Difficult indeed, as he smirks and adjusts himself so that it doesn't take much effort to grind down, to encourage any movement in return. He's trying to make him explore but to be honest, he's getting into this himself. Damn, who this guy was actually pretty hot when it came down to it? He clicks his tongue as he half processes, deciding to keep that little realization to himself. ]

Now come on, ask away. You know you want to pick this brain clean of everything it could do to make you feel amazing.

You're so full of it. I've kissed a couple people. [Said with affectionate defensiveness, because it's kind of annoying that Mike says things like that, but it's also wonderful that he's being himself right now. It's exactly what Chris needs, along with the enticing weight on top of him and the -

oh god

- way he grinds down]

A-all right. Just tell me the most fun thing you've done. What made you feel amazing?

[Chris' hands start wandering, tugging at Mike's waistband]

A couple people, huh? Are their names Josh and Ashley, and you all haven't mentioned to each other since? Ruining the friendship isn't anything resembling an option, so you just move on?

[ A wry sort of expression twists at his lips. He's unaware of the look he's giving him - kinda like he's regarding his favorite neighborhood idiot. ]

That why you so fucked up? People went to the grave without knowing what you really felt? I'm in the same boat, man.

[ He lets him pull at the waistband and throws in a particularly slow but effective grind to follow it up. ]

Let a cougar fuck me. Lemme tell you, there's nothing better than forbidden fruit that knows exactly what she's doing.

......maybe. Sometimes it's just not the right time. [Or that's a weak-ass excuse and he's just a coward. Too late now anyway, and he squirms at Mike's expression.]

You are? Josh, right?

[Nnngh. Chris manages to slide his fingers inside Mike's waistband, enjoying the feel of the warm skin beneath]

Oh my God, really? How old?

Wait, what? Josh for what? [ Sorry, he's now distracted by talk of older woman and feeling fingers against his skin, he's forgotten the previous topic entirely.

It's a gamble if he'd admit it anyway, he's not the best at being truthful, even when his ass is on the line. ]

Old enough to know better, neglected enough not to give a shit. It's a winning combination, but you feel like a disgusting pig after.

[ He decides that's enough with that conversation track and tries to distract him. He's not bothering to explore in the same way, no - he reaches for Chris' pants in return and is so aggressive about pulling them down they just rip a little. ]

Don't ask me to apologize for that.

...never mind.

Is that how you feel right now? Are you gonna regret whatever we do here?

Hey-! At least let me take them off first!

Nope, not unless you explain what you were trying to say about me and Josh. You can't chicken out and then expect me to play fair.

[ He balls up what he can of the fabric in his fist and yanks enough it starts to give. ]

I'm not going to regret shit, don't worry about it.

Edited 2025-05-30 12:13 (UTC)

I'm trying not to be a dick to you!

[He grabs Mike's wrist]

I meant you're - you were - in love with Josh. Right?

[ That stops him completely and his jaw drops slightly. He doesn't exactly look like the smartest person in the room and the fact he can hear the guy scoffing in his head about his own reaction?

Yeah, it defines the whole thing way past denial. He swallows against a dry throat. ]

You're one to talk, Christopher? Don't point out what you're not willing to hear back.

[This is going very wrong, Chris thinks. They're supposed to be helping each other forget. Not making it worse for each other. And yet here they are.]

[He splutters]

I guess you're right, Michael. So we both have a lot to grieve, right?

Yeah. So let's go back to where we were at - about to fuck it all out.

[ He lets go of the somewhat torn fabric and pats it for good measure. ]

Sorry.

[ It's said grudgingly and he avoids looking him in eye - until he can't do anything but. He draws in an unsteady breath, then closes the distance again.

Mike doesn't do for a direct kiss, this time. He presses one kiss to the corner of Chris' mouth, then another. It's fond in a way he refuses to betray out loud. ]

That more what you're looking for, guy?

Yeah. Yeah, that's where we were.

It's okay.

[It's not, but nothing about the last couple days has been okay, and that's such a minor fucking thing that it doesn't even rate. He sighs, relaxing into the touch of Mike's lips.]

It's a good start, man. You're good at this.

Obviously. But let's see how good you are.

Do your stuff, show me your magic.

[ He uses that as the cue to kiss him more directly, but is more passive about it, this time. He wants to see how Chris handles this, he's intrigued and interested. ]

Yeah, yeah-

[Chris nips gently at Mike's lower lip, then tugs him closer with a hand fisted in his shirt. His other hand finds Mike's bulge, rubbing lightly.]

[ Oh, that's good already. He grunts and presses closer to his hand without really processing his own movements, trying to get more of whatever he can get. He initiates a more firm kiss as well.

Considering for a moment - he's definitely processing this action - he puts his own hands right on Chris' chest and feels thoroughly. He can't help but comment, breaking his mouth away again. ]

Man, so this is why he liked you better than me. Or maybe it's the personality.

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you lost your self esteem along the way -

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Me typing stuff and autocorrect inserts stiff

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It understands the mission