inthesaferoom | Random texts post

You can't just -

[ He doesn't want an apology, dammit, not from Gavin. He doesn't like it, isn't going to accept it. Something like that frankly makes him want to vomit.

He changes the subject back, because he can't stand dwelling on this even a little bit. ]

Fine, I won't kill him, but I'll only compromise. I'm going to be around here, like your fucking scary dog privilege.

[ Don't call him on it. Don't question why he'd do that, either. Just accept it's one or the other. He places one more kiss, quick and nothing like his usual at all. It could almost resemble fondness, but he can't help it - being worried about him fucking up his life is cute. ]

I need to build a better life anyway. Something with a base, something that looks good to the public.

[ It isn’t Gavin’s place to apologize for the whole Nines thing, really. Nines should just not be a goddamn freak. But he’s a freak because of him, for whatever reason.

Gavin sighs. Kissing Mike again: soft, sad. Taking his hand back from beneath his shirt. ]

You do need a better life. Something less weird, yeah? But I don’t think what you’re looking for is here.

[ He’ll try to get out of Mike’s lap, if allowed. ]

[ As if he's going to let that happen. Mike is just going to tighten his grip. Put a little force into it, move to push him against the shelf a little. It seems fucking necessary. ]

Don't care what you think. I know what I want.

Just like you always know for yourself. If I trust you about it, you better trust me.

[ Definitely necessary, seeing as how Gavin is half determined to leave.

Ever the contrarian, though, he wants to stay. That’s part of what scares him. Makes him flighty. ]

And I’m telling you that what you want isn’t here — or, again, do we need to clean out those fucking huge ass ears of yours?

[ Even as he leans forward again, kissing Mike and looping an arm around him, Gavin says: ]

Let me go.

You're talking like I'm an elephant. This some kind of Dumbo crack?

[ He doesn't blink an eye at the order. He doesn't follow it either, kissing him back and pushing a little more. Definitely working on pinning a rat. ]

Did you think I was just kidding all those times I said I wasn't leaving you alone? That I'd fucking track you down if I had to?

I was dead fucking serious. You're not getting rid of me, this is your curse.

Yes, it’s a Dumbo crack, you big-eared motherfucker. Aren’t you perceptive? If only you’d use that brain of yours to think about what I’ve been trying to fucking say this whole time.

[ Or maybe Mike just doesn’t want to accept it.

Gavin sure doesn’t. ]

I believe you.

[ Which is saying a lot, considering Gavin assumes everyone will leave eventually. Mike is... different.

But that just means Gavin has to try harder. ]

Or I believe you think that, anyway.

[ He doesn’t fight Mike pinning him. Gavin wants to be here; right here.

And yet. ]

You keep pushing me and you’re gonna regret it, Michael.

So you're just going to threaten me with a good time, then expect me to actually leave? Not happening.

[ He moves his mouth right to Gavin's ear, lowering his voice as he speaks into it. His tone is beckoning, a bit taunting. Kind of saying 'go ahead and show me' with the tone, but all he drops with the actual words is a significant use of pet name. And it's definitely not 'rat'. ]

Baby boy.

[ He's just going to apply teeth now, to that ear, in a way that's dripping with suggestion. ]

[ Mike knows how to press his buttons too well. Gavin trembles, turning his head to give Mike more room. Tilting his body up against him, wanting to feel more. Always more. Wanting to be so flush against him there isn’t anything else. Just them. ]

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Don’t say I didn’t fucking —

[ Gavin squeezes his eyes shut. ]

I love you.

[ God, if that doesn’t kill him to say. His stomach is in knots and he hates himself; hates how the goosebumps are prickling his skin and Gavin is just tired. So tired. ]

[ It's possible that Mike just stops breathing for a beat or two. He definitely wasn't expecting that and it feels kind of like being sucker punched in the face. But not in a bad way? What the fuck. ]

But I'm a criminal. Murderer. A fucking mess.

[ He isn't even processing what to say in return, he's just so confused this could actually be happening. It's not like he's worth the emotional investment. ]

[ Gavin expects... anger. For Mike to be done with him, or wishing he were. However that might look.

Maybe there’s still time for all that. ]

I don’t care. Apparently you haven’t bothered looking at me ever, because I’m a fucking mess, too.

[ Gavin hits his head back against the shelf and groans. ]

Just a couple of fuck ups here.

[ He can do worse. Say worse. Those three stupid words took the wind out of his sails; he just needs time to get his fight back. ]

You might be a mess, but you deserve better than this shit.

[ Because Gavin is the kind of guy to tell someone they need help, but still talk to them when they react to that like an asshole. Because he doesn't want the person who hurt him to be killed. Yeah, there's a lot of things about him that aren't great. But if anything, those just make Mike get even more interested in him.

He's not angry, he's not done, as it confuses the hell out of him. Because whenever someone has gotten to this point in the past, he's always been completely finished with them for it. ]

You need to pick a hell of a lot better. How am I possibly an improvement?

[ Gavin hears that vulnerability, and he doesn’t want to latch onto it. But he does, anyway. Because what else is there? Sit here and make out and keep talking about their feelings? About how Mike makes his chest hurt, his everything hurt? About how Gavin wants to stay, more than he ever has with anyone else? More than he did with Hank? ]

You’re right, for once. I do need to pick better guys.

[ No, Mike isn’t right. And Gavin doesn’t want “better.” He just wants Mike. ]

And you’re not an improvement.

[ Lies, lies. ]

I’m just an idiot who falls for the first person who’ll make me feel wanted, and you’re just the guy who gave me that. Big dick didn’t hurt — I mean, it was a bonus. Nothing more to it than that. So.

[ He pushes at Mike’s chest. ]

Let me go.

[ Physically, emotionally, mentally.

Or else Gavin’s going to start getting angry. ]

[ Mike's not going to fall for that. But it's interesting how even though he doesn't believe it, even though he knows the act from pulling the same damn thing on people, it still feels sharp. Like it could actually kill him. ]

Fuck that.

[ He catches his hands, he's not going to let go of them. Just like he's not going to let go of him. ]

What do you want to hear, when I've never been able to say that shit to anyone but my fucking mom? When you ran when Hank told you the same damn thing? When I told you I'm not capable?

[ He is angry, like Gavin wanted. But mostly at himself. He holds on a little tighter. Possibly too tight. ]

That I was wrong, because I feel it about you? Fine, you happy? I was wrong I can't fucking feel it.

[ And this is the one time that if Gavin actually wanted to leave, he probably couldn't stop him. Because he couldn't even stop himself from blurting that shit out. ]

Fuck you. I don’t want to hear anything unless it’s “bye, motherfucker.” I’m not asking you to feel, not asking you to tell me — it’s the opposite, dipshit. You absolute clown fucker.

[ Joke’s on Gavin now: he’s the clown. ]

Never asked you to love me. I don’t want you to love me. I was just telling you all this, about Grady — [ a slip; whatever, Gavin figured Mike would hunt the guy down anyway ] — because I wanted to hurt you. I want you to be scared. Because it fucking terrifies me and it’s not fair.

So don’t you say shit you don’t mean just ‘cause you think it’s what I want to hear. Don’t fuck with me like that, Mike. I didn’t tell you I loved you because I want you to stay. I’m telling you I fucking love you, you piece of shit, because I want you to go.

[ Gavin might have his hands held but he wriggles his elbows. Pushing his back against the shelf enough to get one of the file bins to fall, scattering documents to the floor. ]

Detroit’s not for you. Whatever you’re looking for — it’s not here.

[ Not with Gavin, anyway. ]

You think I'd say something I don't mean just to what, pacify you? You really think I'm that shade of awful?

[ He's not offended or bothered by any of the rest. One of them trying to balk at actual feelings and make the other go away? Nah, it tracks. Same shit different day, there was a fork found in the fucking kitchen. But the idea he'd actually lie about something like that, especially when he loathes feeling it with every fiber of his being?

That's annoying. He's pissed. He drops the hands he holds and shoves him in a way that's definitely dangerous when you don't want a shelf to just outright fall over. ]

Man up. You're being pathetic.

[ Look, any normal people would show comfort about it, maybe some assurances. But that would make everything much worse on both parts. It's not for them.

Right? Or maybe he is awful and there's no changing it. ]

I do think that, yeah. Obviously.

[ Because Gavin wants it to be true: Mike just spitting words to get what he wants. Like everyone else. Like Gavin himself in his own backward way.

Gavin’s shoulder hits the shelf — hard. The shelf rattles. Good. He can work with this: can work with pain. The physical doesn’t even remotely even out the emotional, but it’s something. ]

Don’t you call me fucking pathetic.

[ Not you, of all people. Even though he knows it’s true, it hurts hearing from Mike. Just makes Gavin feel like he’s on the right path here, poking the right buttons, and he loathes it. But he has to keep pressing.

Clutching at the shelves, he eases himself up. Grabs another bin of files and starts throwing them at Mike. ]

I hate you. Wish I never fucking met you.

[ Neither of those things are true. Despite all of the vitriol, Gavin’s been happy. That scares him.

Are any of these the right buttons? Whatever. He’ll keep jabbing his merry way along. ]

I’ll just — go back to Grady.

[ Once the bin in his hands is empty, Gavin dumps it onto Mike’s head. ]

At least he...

[ What? Gavin doesn’t even know what to say. Grady never gave him anything good. Whatever this was with Mike — this was good.

Was. The past tense phrasing in Gavin’s head makes his stomach drop. But he clings to it as he turns to grab another bin of files. ]

At least Grady’ll make me forget you.

Oh cool, so I should definitely kill him first. Think I'll do that now.

[ His reaction to all this, after simply taking it? He moves to get up in whatever way he can, even if it means dumping Gavin on the floor. He's serious about what he's saying now. ]

Can't let you fucking self harm like that, so let's remove the bitch from the fucking equation altogether.

Fuck you. Grady’s a special piece of shit since we have to work together, but you say that like there’s only one Grady in my life. You think a guy like me just, what? Has healthy relationships? You think it’s not the easiest fucking thing to dig into my past and find another Grady? Or cruise some bar and find another there?

[ Gavin falls on his ass, but that hurts good too. He likes these minor aches: they just fuel him more. Again he’s dragging himself up, tossing files at Mike. Hoping at least one will give him a papercut or something. ]

This is what I was fucking saying. You can’t just kill everyone who hurts me, or are you gonna —

[ He freezes, file in hand, but only for a second. Then he’s back to throwing shit as if there weren’t a blip at all.

Gavin’s not going to say what came to mind. He doesn’t want to. He wants to fuck shit up with Mike, yes, but not like that. ]

Hey.

[ He ignores all the shit being thrown. Instead, he's picking through everything on the floor, not sure if his file is among all this or if Gavin still has it. ]

You're acting like it's an accident nobody talks to me except to mock me or judge. Like I need to go away and get whatever I apparently deserve.

Why don't you flip open that file, huh? You'll feel differently after that.

[ He taps one of the scars on his neck, so close to the major artery there, but no cigar. He wasn't that lucky. ]

Baby, I died five years ago, I'm just waiting for my body to catch up to the rest. You can't fuck me up.

Edited 2025-07-08 03:30 (UTC)

[ Gavin laughs. ]

Oh, what? You think something in your file is gonna just...?

[ Make me stop loving you? ]

You’re an idiot. Insane buffoon. Do you think I’ve never helped someone get away with murder? Do you think that made me love them any less? If you can’t tell: I like the fucking freaks.

Looked enough into your file to get your stupid name and see that weird video, but I wasn’t ogling. Jesus. If you wanted to tell me that shit — I wanted to leave that up to you. That’s your business, Mike. I’m a nosy fuck but I wanted you to talk about it when you were ready. If you were ready. And if you weren’t? Ever? That was fine too, because I —

[ Love, et cetera. Gavin’s already said that enough. Far too much.

He pauses throwing, again. The nearest shelf is getting sparse. Gavin needs more to throw. ]

Why’re you so fucking obsessed with me, then? Why can’t you just leave me alone?

Because of unnecessary shit like that.

What do you mean, you wanted to leave it up to me? That's so respectful it drives me nuts. Makes me want to vomit.

[ He doesn't deserve good treatment. Especially after how he's been to Gavin. How is he any better than this Grady with some of the shit he's been doing? Just hit him with a car. Beep beep motherfucker. ]

If I was actually a good guy, I'd go away because you're telling me to. But since I'm not going to, you deserve to know everything.

Then fucking vomit.

[ Gavin gestures to the array of files littering the floor. ]

Got lots of free real estate here, so let loose. Is that how I —

[ — get you to hate me? Gavin manages to bite back the words, even though he’s pretty fucking sure Mike is onto him, anyway. ]

Then you can just obsess on your own goddamn time. Meanwhile, I — [ he reaches behind him, grabbing Mike’s file ] — will take this. And if you try to follow me, I will slap this motherfucker down on my boss’ desk so hard. And I’ll tell him about you planning to assassinate a police captain. How’s that for fucking nauseating, asshole?

I don't care.

[ Literally. What did he say before? Don't threaten him with a good time. If his life gets torched, or at least what's left of it? Hey, at least he doesn't have a reason to make himself suffer anymore. ]

Go ahead, get rid of any reason I have left to fight my own fucking head. That's fine, it would be a great to give up. I don't hate any of them for dying but I'm mad they get to rest and I don't.

[ He steps in closer, a lot closer. He's going through use his greater height a little and lean in, crowding him. ]

So hey, you go and do all that, make my day. But if you're going away and I'm doing whatever, let's not waste the last five minutes we have.

[ It's almost like his mind is suddenly clear. The idea of losing everything and not having to hold on?

It's pure relief. ]

Don’t you put that shit on me. Don’t you fucking dare.

[ Gavin sets the file behind him. Would tuck it in his pants if he had his goddamn belt on. Then he’s clutching at the front of Mike’s shirt, watching the way his hands tremble.

Pathetic. Just like Mike said. ]

Does what I want matter to you? Even just a little fucking bit? Because I don’t want you to die.

[ Squeezing Mike’s shirt now. Till his hands hurt and again, that feels good. That feels grounding. ]

I don’t want you to die. I just want you gone. You could go somewhere, some country who doesn’t give a fuck about extradition. You could be living it up on some fucking beach, I don’t care — as long as you’re gone. As long as you’re not dead, you stupid, stupid motherfucker.

[ Gavin leans forward. Burying his face against Mike’s chest so he can’t see. So he himself doesn’t have to acknowledge. ]

I’m trying to help you, you stupid. Fucking.

What's the point of wanting me gone if you care about how?

[ He's not trying to put anything on him. He just doesn't understand the point of just leaving if after that, he'll truly have nothing at all. What would it get him? ]

Why do you think sending me away is any sort of help?

[ He doesn't touch him further, he doesn't push it. He's suddenly very, very tired. Can't he just give up now? ]

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definitely not rat

Mike fumbling the pitch because he hates himself too much

Mike ily

The dissonance of hitting preview and it was logged into baby girl

sOBS.... BABY GIRL

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I’M SORRY he is THE WORST

Just yeeting shit at him. Not literally

Gavin aboot to start throwing shelves. Tina’s like whoa

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The DMC reference came to me unbidden

And the Homestuck reference for me, which is terrible

bEEP BEEP

Cw HEAVY suicidal ideation and self destruction

I’M SO SAD THIS IS SO SAD

Me too 😭